THE HILLCREST PERSONAL ADS

By Paul Carr

2010

Barfly needs a new old lady. This year marks the third decade my ass has been welded to a barstool at Pizza-D’. And as of this week, there’s an opening for a pretty woman to my left. Come take your seat! Sure, my hair and skin have taken on a gray hue from the smoke in here and the doctors say my body’s now 14 percent cigarette ash, but I’ve still got a few good never-ending stories to shout across the room in this old place.

Bitter, seething hermit seeks action-packed starlet with all the connections. Must be willing to inject me into the social pipeline and make me look like an actual person. Please send photo in which you are holding court with the beautiful people at some fancy joint by the new IMAX.

Divorced, 46 year old male, seeks to do it all over again, only with different woman. Please notice my muscular build, business-casual attire and confident smile. I have a boat, a Ford F-350 and one of the biggest houses in Heights/Hillcrest. I am a successful man, as far as you know, and I would like to take you to Ciao Baci, where I will demonstrate how confident and normal I am.

Widowed, 60 year old Heights woman seeks replacement husband, but I don’t know why because all I do is hang out with the other really loud Heights ladies. I have a distinct Little Rock, Southern accent and I really lean into it. When I’m not crushing it at Scallion’s, I take my lunch at Trio’s where I can be heard shouting authoritatively about every subject known to man.

Hipster male (age 33) seeks hipster chick (age significantly less than 33.) You must complete me. To complete me, you have to be a bangin’ hot chick willing to hang on my arm when I’m out being cool. That way, I will look more cool. I usually act cool by ignoring people who try to talk to me or by not returning their e-mails. I’m really good at not returning e-mails, because I’m really cool. But lately, I’ve been getting fewer e-mails to ignore. I blame Glenn Beck for that. Anyway, ya up for some PBR at WWT?

I like white baseball caps, yelling about sports and kicking it at Fountain Bar with the bros. I also enjoy Maxim Magazine, Axe Body Spray, and staring into the mirror. My hobbies are crashing my car and then telling everyone about it, and hanging-out with my boss. After you and I hook up, how ‘bout we go to your place for a little Jeff Dunham and some Rohypnol! ———-AAAH, JUST KIDDING, even I think Jeff Dunham is lame. I will make you eat Rohypnol though.

Need a shorty!. I’m 22 and have 5 kids with 5 different woman. I’ve been known to take them all out to Damgoode Pies and let them run amok like zoo animals. But, I just need a good Hillcrest woman to help me keep it all together. You the one? My hobbies are taking things from unlocked cars, obstructing traffic and staring down strangers in Kroger.

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